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You are right, dreams really do come true!

Thank you all so much, for your generosity and efforts.

Truly.

I hope that everyone had a very very Merry Christmas, and that the New Year, is bright and happy.

My plate runneth over.

I think that Microsoft was really inventive when they came up with the name Windows, for their platform. Very clever, and I hate anything associated with Microsoft.  But, clever it was.

The windows that we stare out from, through out our lives are interesting things.

I remember seeing snow for the first time. Standing by the window, and watching it fall. I was mesmerized by the beautiful soft perfect flakes. I couldn’t hardly pull myself away from the frosty pane so that I could venture outside and enjoy the fluff.

I once had a bedroom that had three walls of windows. All around, grew lilac bushes and it was truly beautiful in the spring, with all blooms in their glorious splendor. The scent still takes me back to that room. I read many books in the window seat watching the seasons pass me by.  Even after the flowers were gone, it was so green and beautiful. I miss that room.

I spent a fair amount of time in my youth, watching cars and the people that drove them. I swear I grew up along the I15 corridor.  Traveling in style in my Dad’s Kenworth.  This is where I fell in love with the hot Nevada desert. Where I learned how mile markers and exit numbers work. This is where I saw the most amazing sunsets, sunrises and learned lessons of gratitude and faith.  My love for hamburgers and pepsi. I learned how to spot a flat tire at twenty paces and the familiar scent of diesel fuel that will forever remind me of my Father.

Another window that I remember with clarity my first house I lived in, after being married.  An enormous picture window facing east, that allowed you to stare for hours at the northern cusp of the Wasatch front. Mountains crawling out of the earth with rugged snow capped peaks that looked so close, it was if you could reach out and touch them through the glass.

One of my most favorite windows, was in the kitchen. This is where I watched my children play outside. Running around, playing back and forth. Victoria usually being a brutus, and Hans always in trouble.  One of the most precious memories that I have stored away in my mind, was the Christmas of 2001. September 11, had come and gone and I felt like we as a family were whole and healing. I felt such gratitude that we were together, and safe.  It was shortly after Thanksgiving and Paul and the kids were outside hanging Christmas lights. I was inside making minestrone soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. I watched them through the window and the beautiful sunset behind them.  I finally gave up the ghost and went outside for a snowball fight.  It was one of those picture perfect days. I loved that window.

Overlooking the Salt Lake Valley from the top floor of Primary Children’s Hospital provided me with another view. Falling snow, covering every crack and crevice with bright Christmas lights aglow underneath the white blizzard.  Many nights, I sat rocking and rocking Ethan, watching the snow pile up first in inches, then in feet. Sometimes the wind blowing so hard, the crystals flying sideways making swirling patterns that are simply indescribable.

I spend a lot of time in this window.  Here at my computer. I chat with my sister and friends, read my favorite blogs, play scrabble (I am the scrabble queen ya know) and enjoy reading emails.  This is one of the most amazing pieces of technology that I could even conjure up. I love that I can instantly write a letter to my cousin who lives in Canada and know that pretty soon at the touch of a button she will be reading it. I love that I can share pictures, and delve into any subject, instantly being able to sort through articles and pages of any topic, I care to google.  This is a neat window.

As I sit here on this crisp Autumn night and reflect on the windows in my life, I find a wealth of gratitude creeping out the surface. I have been so fortunate and blessed.  I appreciate the vistas and views.  More so, than I can express.

It’s spectacular, this Autumn that we are having. Typically fall lasts in Utah about three days.  Summer heat, then one day of rain ,and then snow.  That is how it goes.

This year, maybe due to global warming (if so, please bring it on), the days have been cool but bearable and the nights with just a hint of frost.

We usually have colored leaves still on the tree when we get our first real, stay around for a day or two, snow.  Again, not this year. The trees are bare, and the ground is covered with crunchy fall leaves.

I love autumn sunsets. They are usually so orange with streaks of pinks and purples. Come winter, they will change and be much, much more pink.

I have really enjoyed these glorious days. Sweater weather. Perfect.

I read over at Miss Amy’s place, about her Christmas Wish List and I loved it! So, I thought I would get adventurous and delve into my secret desires.  Mind you, this is a dream list, so ya know, I can list pretty much anything I want.

A therapy pool.  Yup, now that is a suave and savy thing to desire for Christmas!?  We really need one.  Ethan loves the water so much, and it is getting harder and harder to get him to a pool that is warm enough, but not to hot to swim, and stretch his muscles.  So Santa, be sure to bring this down your chimney.

I am completely enamoured with this style of dishes. I think they are so lovely. Perfect on my holiday table. I am not sure if you know this about me or not, but I am completely and utterly in love with china and dinnerware.  I love white, because you can always add color. Different centerpieces and table clothes, napkins and place mats. I really do enjoy having a beautiful table.

Not to sure my family appreciates it, but for me it is always a better meal when everything looks as beautiful as it tastes.  Why would I want to spend hours and hours on the meal and then not have it presented in an attractive fashion.

I love cooking.  I am not the best cook, but I really do enjoy it. I love everything about sitting down as a family, chatting and visiting at meal time.  It is where we share our days and discuss our comings and goings.  It’s where we talk politics and religion and where we laugh together.

This particular set is from Sir La Table, and way out of my price range, but I’ll add it to my cyber space Christmas list.

Another thing I am hoping for, is to fill my homes with live poinsettia’s.  They are so beautiful and remind me of my Mom. I love to put them under the tree, on top of the tree skirt.  This year, with Ethan I am not so sure how we will do it, but I am hoping at some point I can litter my house with these beautiful blossoms.

I think it is so neat that we have access to such amazing plants, through the winter, even though they are not indigenous to the area in which I live.   I have always been somewhat fascinated by that.

I think a lot of times, we don’t take into consideration how lucky we are to have access to things.

The train and trucking industry have certainly made things like this, very accessible.  We don’t even blink when we buy oranges all summer long or Watermelon in February.   But we should. Cause it is just darn neat!

These are just a few of the things I want.  What about you!?

I LOVE WATER POLO?

In case you might have missed it, or didn’t know, or were wondering…

The one thing I am really looking forward to, in the future, is the 2009 Water Polo Season.

I am grateful for the influence this sport, for the endurance Victoria has learned. I am grateful for the skills developed and for the friendships forged.  I love the game. Every single game. Win or loose, is amazingly fun to watch.  You sit down, hold your breath, yell, scream, shout, cuss at the other team, glare at the refs, and plain out have a darn good time.

This year, I plan to do a water polo blog. Where I can report on every game. I am going to move earth and water to be to every single one.

And, guess who was, officially, with out question… made team captain tonight?  YOU got it, number 14.

Miss Vix.

Horray!

Ethan has such a bright light. Sometimes I forget that.

He has been so wonderful lately.  His laughter and giggles spill over into the house all the time.  His whole body moves. It is hilarious.

Ethan has his own sort of crawl. It is so funny to watch. He uses his feet, arches his back and scoots on his sholder blades, across the floor.  When for what ever reason, this method isn’t used, then he rolls. Back and forth, to and fro. He has that mastered.

He loves to pound his left hand on things. The stereo speakers, kitchen floor, ocassionaly on a toy. He loves to scoot close to the wall and will bang on that.  I’m not sure if it is the loud noise it makes or if it is the vibration.  He will pound for a while and then just roll over and giggle.

His laugh is infectious. Becareful, because if you come ’round, you are sure to get the virus. “Laugh-citis”

It is hard to maintain a stern voice around him. Yelling at the other kids, only brings on a bought of giggling from him, that ruins any sort of bad mood.  It is highly irritating. (smirk)

A sneeze, a cough, clapping, banging, dropping a cup in the kitchen, stumbling over my feet and falling on the floor, they all bring forth a series of laughter that is bound to provoke smiles, even from the most determined not to smile teens.

Ethan doesn’t like to be left behind either. He makes his desires well known, that if we are in the kitchen, he wants to be there with us.  He can’t abide silence. He loves music and is obviously effected by his enviornment.

One of the most interesting things about Ethan, is that he bites his index finger on his left hand, before he rolls over. He gigles and laughs, makes a gutteral gaaaaaaaaa sound, moves his hand to his mouth, bites his finger and rolls over. It is quite entertaining.  He gets pretty annoyed with me when I wrap my hand around his and prevent him from biting on his finger. He jutts his hips up and protests with absolute vigor, and wrestles until he gets his finger back.  It has an amazing callos on it.

Lately, Ethan has been using his left hand, to wack his neck. He bonks it, over and over in the same place. Not hard enough to hurt, but for some reason doing this makes him laugh.  Someday he will explain to me, what this bizarre behavior means.  However, it is very funny to watch.

I’ve noticed that Ethan has his routines. He is not a morning person. (Thank heavens) He is quite in the morning. Watches the rays of sunlight as they streak across the room. He is doesn’t make much noise and it usually takes him a few minutes before he will drink his bottle.  He loves to listen to “Signing Time”, and doesn’t move much.

By noon, he is his happy-go-lucky self and is in full swing.  Peels of laughter and grunts are heard through out the house. Ethan does not like it when we cook or eat. He gets all sorts of upset. I am not sure it is the smell or what, but he clearly is aware when we are eating and makes it very wll known, that he does not approve.

He is as nocturnal as a bat. He is wide eyed and loud as can be, come nine or so.  He laughs and arches his back and moves all around the house.  He loves to suck on the wall, where the corner juts out. He mouths everything. The carpet, the sides of the couch, and bites the legs on the chairs.  He pounds his hands on the entertainment center. He loves to pull books off the book shelf, and he loves to bite on the hard back books and licks them as well. It is so discusting. Funny, but really gross.

And if that isn’t too much info, I’ll let you in on another familiy secret.  He loves to bite people. I mean, really really loves to bite people.  If you are sitting in a chair in the living room, you better beware, but Ethan has some sort of secert heat seeking skill. He’ll roll right up to you, and when you are not looking, he’ll try to take a big healthy chunk right out what ever he can get to. Oh, it’s funny. Everyone has been a snack for Ethan at one time or another.  He will take his left hand, but it on your leg, and then pull himself ever, lift his shoulders up off the floor and as if he were trying to sit up, pull his mouth to your leg, foot, hand, head, back of your shoulder.. and CHOMP.

In fact, I think that would be a good nick name for him. Chomper.  Because, he is one.

His love and light is so beautiful. I wish the whole world could see him the way I do.  If that were possible, it would be a much better world.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  Marcel Proust

Peace is a precious commodity around here.

Since my Mom passed away, I have been struggling with nightmares and dreams that leave me feeling iffish and full of angst.  I did not expect this. Not at all.  I thought we were prepared, ready for Mom to go. We said our goodbyes, had those hard conversations and we knew, it was coming.

The truth is, that her actual dying, isn’t what I thought it would be. I invisioned this room with a hospice nurse there, and us all sitting at her bedside, saying “Mom it is okay, go ahead and go”.

That isn’t at all how it happened.

The CNA, came that Morning about 11ish.  I helped her clean and dress Mom. Her breathing was incredibly shallow, and raspy.  I knew she was in pain. We administered liquid ativan and morphine because we needed to move her. I knew how painful that was, when she could articulate it so.  After giving her the medications I carefully picked her up. The nurse, much quicker than I, grabbed her bedding, and things.. and I sat Mom down in a chair.  We hurried. Mom was always cold these days, and I did not want her to suffer in any way. I wrapped her afghan around her.  This afghan was a gift from her brother and it has beautiful scenes of her  childhood home town on it.  We washed her hair, gave her a sponge bath, changed her bedding.  When she was all taken care of, I lifted her again, and laid her on the bed.

She died about ten minutes later. Quietly. Just her and I, and at the very end, Paul.  The house was quiet. A candle, sugar cookie scented was lit and the Mormon Tabernacle Chior was playing in the other room.  “How Great Thou Art”

Alone in that room, I saw her body turn a deep shade of gray. Then her eyes quit fluttering, and her breathing more shallow. And then- she was gone.

I feel unsettled. I feel angry. I feel tired. I feel traumatized. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Where is the peace that is supposed to come with death? Why is this so hard for me? Why?

I feel betrayed by my own self confidence. I feel utterly stunned by the enormous gulf of emptiness that I can’t seem to escape.

I don’t want to be this adult I have become. I don’t want to be the genealogy person in the family. I don’t want to continue on with her holiday traditions  the ones that are HERS, that cause me to ache and cry. I want everyone to miss her the way I do. I want everyone to know how much I admired her, even though I rarely said that. I want to shake those who I felt didn’t pay her enough attention or do things with/for her, the way I thought they should.

I want the world to remember her, in her prime. Vivacious and full of life. Capable of doing any craft. Capable of getting everyone to do the things she felt were important. Capable of surviving the worst of the worst, and do it with verve. Strong, independent, and a bright light.

I am very grateful for the last year. I wouldn’t change having her with me, for the world.

I sure did love her.

One of my sweetest blogging friends, Maren is in need of some prayers.

She has been struggling with a very discouraging illness, and has not been well. She has been hospitalized for an indefinite amount of time.

She and her husband Jeff and their son have been on a roller coaster the last few years, trying to discover the root of the issues that have clasp themselves so tightly around her.

She is one of the most generous, wonderful people that I have ever met, and I wish her the very best on this frightening journey.

Please join me, in prayer. Specifically for the doctors and specialists working with her to  be guided in her care. For her recovery to be whole, and swift. For the family to feel comforted, and for the skills necessary for them to cope with all that has been handed to them.

Be well my friends.

It is beginning to look like Christmas. Isn’t that a familiar sounding phrase?  The truth of it, is sinking in and with that, comes a flood of memories that wraps its arms around me, and draws me in.

Everyone is burning candles that are pumpkin pie scented or fall harvest. The Autumn leaves are gone now, and with it the colder days of winter and the drab stark contrast of their splendor. I generally love this time of year. Fall is my favorite. “I would send you boquets of sharpened pencils” ( Tom Hanks- You’ve Got Mail) and it is true. The zest of getting organized, schedules coming together, the crisper days and brighter colors. Hot apple cider and pumkins covered with frost. I love it.

This “season” has been different for me. I’ve been saying goodbyes, and coming to terms with the changes my life is making, and I have been getting used to a different beat.  It came though, and I have been sorting through all those feelings and the alination that comes with the axis of your life taking a different form.

I like these cold winter mornings. I am anxious for snow to get here. I have plans. I want to make snowmen, bake pies and goodies,  have the drum beat slow down. Read more. Talk more. Listen more.

The shorter days, brighter sunsets and the smell of pine wood burning, are evidence that Old Man Winter, is making his decent upon us.

I’m excited to fetch a Christmas tree, and cover every part of the house with boughs. I want to use fresh holly intertwined in branches, along with some fresh ivy I have been saving.

Ethan loves the twinkle lights. The beautiful distinctive bright lights, draw his attention. I use a lot, wrap them around the many branches, covering the tree. It glows.  Poinsettias were my Mom’s favorite, and always did we give her one on December 5th, her wedding anniversary. I usually have pots of them around the base of my Christmas tree.

All the cooking and fun with the kids, all the wrapping and secrets and caroling. They are the gifts, in which I seek. It is so neat. This year, I want to burn more candles, listen to more music, visit longer, and laugh more.

We have a family that is embedded in traditions. We’ve always done the same things, celebrated the same way and I have clung to those treasures. They are the very thing we are made of. I love it.

I am grateful, enormously, inarticulately grateful for, these things.

May you all have the things that comfort you, surround your soul and warm your heart this holiday season.

I am not sure when it started. One time, when I was feeling blue, and dissapointed with the world, my husband brought me home a treat to brighten my day, and I have been hooked every since.

Blueberries, lemon yogurt and almond granola. A treat for the diabetic at heart, that is a frozen concoction of delectable goodness.

I buy fatfree, sugar free lemon yogurt, and then add frozen blueberries, that don’t have any sugar added to them. (You have to watch that pretty closely) and sprinkle a very small amount of granola with slivered almonds on top, and it is amazingly good. I am so grateful for a treat that fills my sweet tooth!

I also love frozen dark cherries and vanilla yogurt, but at the cusp of my desire, it will always be lemon and blueberries!

Thanks Bozark, for the addiction! I LOVE it!