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I have always been nocturnal. I am sure I was born that way. Early mornings have been a life time struggle for me and as time wears on it just gets worse and worse.

These days I am often greeted with nausea like you can’t imagine and painful cramps in my stomach. After I work through those, I just feel incredibly weak and tired.

No, I am not pregnant. Just sick. Someday, I’ll tell ya about it.

Getting Ethan ready and on the bus on time along with the typical morning chaos is about more than I can cope with. He takes so long to wake up and requires a bath and getting dressed, strapping in him in his wheel chair, and getting him out the door. It seems easy, but it is not.

He is getting bigger and heavier and taller and harder to manage. His fingernails grow at a fierce rate and I swear no mater what I do, I can’t keep them trimmed. Bathing is tough too. I realize I am complaining, again. Just ignore that part of my whiney post. (The Bozark suggested to me earlier today to call the Waaaaambulence…)

We have talked and talked, the Bozark and I about doing something to stunt his growth and doing something medically to him to keep him from getting much bigger. It is one of the most controversial things out there. I would love to have input on what everyone thinks.

There are so many questions. What if’s and how comes. But what it most adds up too is this. Ethan is never going to be capable of making his own choices and decisions. Ethan will never be able to communicate his dreams or his desires, we don’t even know if he has the capability of having them. He is an amazing kid and has done so much more than we ever though he would. Yet… what if.

What if someday we actually learn something about the brain? What if there is some amazing piece of medical technology that comes out that can fix brain damage? What if they can replace the optic nerve, and figure out a way for a brain to get oxygen to it, where before it did not.

What if we think he can’t, but someday he can.

Then where will we be?

When does what is easiest for us, infringe on his rights? What about his personal rights?

But, what if…he is like he is now, forever. What will he look like and how will he physically feel, if he is rolling around on my floor at the age of 45, sucking on a bottle, wearing a diaper. What about his back, will it ache? Ethan already has muscle cramps that cause him to scream out in terror. What will he be like then?

As I stumble around, through the day my thoughts are consumed with all of these questions.

I sure do wish I had some answers.

The last entry was pretty whiny and I apologize for being so melancholy. I appreciate this place I have where I can vent my thoughts, which as you know are just all over the place.  Thank you so much for the uplifting phone call, Chronicler, that totally made my day.  I appreciate so much the love and support given to me. It’s my lifeline and I am so grateful for it.  Also, my friend Eva called not to long ago just to check in, and things like that just make life worthwhile. I have also received bunches of emails inquiring about Ethan. Thanks so much for these acts of kindness.

Ethan is doing okay.   He seems to be okay anyway.  He is rolling around the floor, and playing with the few toys he shows interests in.  He is laughing and giggling and listening to “Signing Time”.  For him it doesn’t seem like much has changed.  He is back to his normal little ole self.

I’m not sure I have rebounded back as quickly as he has. I am feeling unsettled at not having a definitive answer as to why Ethan quit breathing.  I am concerned it will happen again. What about seating and positioning and riding in his wheelchair.  I’ve not dared strap him in his car seat or take him anywhere.   Ugg. What a worry.

Ethan’s teacher has emailed me several times, just checking in on him. In her last email, she stated that the kids ask about him every day and want to know how Ethan is doing.  That tugs at my heartstrings knowing that they care about him and are concerned.  Also, I feel badly for the other students that were on the bus, when Ethan had his episode. That must have been very scary for them.

I spoke to our Pediatrician last night. He has been out of town.  Can I just say, I love that guy. He is very understanding and reassuring.  He ordered some tests for Ethan, that we have to have done tomorrow and he expressed concern over the situation as well.  He told me not to send Ethan to school, until we get to the bottom of things.

So uncharted territory is on our horizon. How that is different from the rest of this journey I don’t know!

Over the last few months I have really gotten a good look at the frailty of the human race. The clients I work with come from every crevice of life. Some with an education that far exceeds my own. Others who were born, already behind on the human food chain.

The lessons I’ve learned are ones I can’t really share because I am incapable of articulating the experiences. Just explaining them or describing them, is vastly different than seeing them first hand.

One thing however, that I have stumbled across is that we all have secrets. Complexities and hardships that are often silent or unseen. Others, are visible and can’t be denied, out there for the whole world to witness or wonder about.

I used to drive down the street and look at pretty houses, and think to myself, the people that live there must be so incredibly happy. For years, into my adulthood, the concept that every one struggles was very slow to seep in.

I have over the course of my life been very quick to judge people. To hold them accountable for this or that, with a very narrow view into their world. I regret that, now. More than I can say. I am sure that I have also added to others pain, because of my finger pointing in their direction. Again, something I wish I could change.

This last week has been spent with my head spinning over something that has taken place in our family. My reaction to this experience, has been judged by many. I’ve been told, by some that I just need to relax. That these are things kids do, and that I need to say my peace, and just move on. I’ve had a few people say to me, that I have done exactly what they would have. While I found solace in those opinions, I have felt very alone, in this battle.

I have to say, The Bozark, backed me up, and really we reacted to this together, and that was a comfort to me, and I have appreciated his help and his understanding to my intense responses to this situation.

I have realized that because of past experiences in my life, and things I have gone through and seen, that I have a more passionate reaction to situations that others might not. I feel impressed that these things are very important, and that training and teaching our children are not just our right, but our responsibility. And that, by not acting the fault will lay at our feet. This I believe with all of my heart.

I am grateful, grateful to my toenails for the lessons I have learned these last few years. I am grateful for the people I work with, and for the glimpse into their lives they offer me. I am grateful for good friends, who look me in the eye and call a spade a spade. I am so thankful for the blue room, in which I can run with my eyes full of tears and have a wonderful friend who will just let me sob out all of my thoughts, and fears. I am grateful for the Bozark, who offers me support and comfort. Who patiently waits for me to say what I want to say, and who tries very hard to understand where I am coming from.

I think the Satan is having a heyday in his final hours. Not to try to sound prophetic, but I do believe these are the final days, and I think Satan has a hold on this old world. The temptations and worldly draws are out there in a force that is stronger than a lot of people feel they can fight.

The assault on the family unit is unbelievable. The world’s views on family is so skewed from what my personal thoughts are. In movies, and tv shows, not only do we see a lax moral code, we see a literal dissolving of the family unit itself.

From this view, I have, into the world and its negative vista, I still retain hope. I still think that most of us get up every day, make an effort to do positive things. We try to fight our addictions, are trials, our hardships. Some of them silent, some secret, and some of them visible and blunt. We try to keep our families together, and close. We invest our time and talents into raising our kids and doing the best we can.

And the fight, is really worth it.

I am mad. Really, angry. Fuming mad. Mad in twenty seven different languages.

Not the kind of mad, or sad that you feel when someone lets you down. Not the kind of angry that makes you scream at a car that just passed you, on a double yellow line, that flicked a rock in your window, and ran you out of your lane, because they didn’t have enough time to pass properly.

Nope. Not that kind.

Anger. The real deep anger that has my blood boiling 450 degree’s. Anger that doesn’t cause me to do irrational things, but helps me focus on how best to attack the situation.

The Bozark would tell you, that is the dangerous kind of anger for me.

Let me say this. My dear beloved readers.

I am a mean old Momma bear, when you mess with my kids.

I would not suggest it.

Dear Mr. Gore,

I just drove seven hours in a blizzard the size of Kansas in order to get home from a small weekend trip.  The entire state of Utah received yet another blanket of snow, thanks to our dear Mother Nature.

Since you have been able to convince the world that the earth is getting hotter, and you are apparently positive that we are going into some kind of warming period, I would like to share with you my snow plight.

Please contact me so that I can give you my address. My driveway has needed shoveling 49 times, thus far this winter. We still have a good two months to go.  It’s been colder than ever.  For the first time this season I have seen it snow and be 13 degrees at the same exact time.  Wow. This warming trend is stealthy.

So bundle up my friend, who lives in a 10,000 square foot house and uses more electricity than the town I reside in. Come on over, and bring a shovel. There is much snow that needs removing.

While you’re at it, please bring the awards that you received for posing, quite possibly the largest fraudulent piece of dung to the world. I would like to showcase it in my ice sculptures that linger in my front yard. They were made in November, and yet still have not managed to melt away.

Thanks so much-

Lisa.In.Frozen.Land!

PS: A very good article on climate change

On December 18, I took Ethan to the ER, because he was not breathing. He just wasn’t getting air. Some cold or flu like symptoms proceeded it, but really just in a few hours it became so sever I decided to take him to the Emergency room.

He was diagnosed with tracheitis. What ever the smack of budda that is. They gave him breathing treatments and steroids.  After monitoring him for a while, they sent us home. The difference in him was quite remarkable. Since then though, he has not quite been the same.

His adgitation is quite evident. His sleeping pattern is quite off. He is tearful and often inconsolable.

I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with him, and low and behold, he is getting some new teeth.

Just what our little chomper needs. More artillery.

Goodness.

He yawn, I glanced at his mouth, and way in the back he has purple gums, swollen with little white sharp edges starting to emerge.

I am sure if he chewed on anything other than human flesh, it would help facilitate teething process. I’ll bet for most five year olds, it isn’t a huge deal. Well you know our little man, he of course requires uniqueness and attention.

So here we are at 5:00 AM, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and listening to Emerson Drive, (his new favorite group) over and over and over.

This is fun, right?  I think it is.  Oh I am sure it is. Positive.

Hum, maybe I’ll go get Dad, he surely does NOT want to miss out.

HA!

I have a love hate relationships about popular books being made into movies.

My favorite thing about book series’ like Harry Potter and Twilight, is that we as a populous are reading books and folks young and old are discussing them.  The conversations that ebb, and the chatter about something that is different.  Young, old, male, female, we are talking about a book that each of us curled up some afternoon and lost ourselves in.

I love that.  I loved when ten years ago, Harry Potter was first out and all of my kids were rambling and rambling on about how they felt, what they thought, what they visioned.  We would anxiously wait for the next book to be released because we wanted to know, “what happens next”.

The movies, could the movies be good films if they were viewed independently? We’ll never really know. How many people continued to read the Harry Potter books, or did they just sit back and wait for the movies to come out?  What if simply the movie “Harry Potter” was released with out the population of devoted readers behind it? Would it have been a successful film?

Twilight was interesting.  Somethings I loved and others, were horribly disappointing.

Either way, I certainly hope that sooner, rather than later,  there will be another book series that will spark the intrests of many, that will close the gap between generations and genders so that we can again, have a conversation, about that lazy afternoon, when we opened the book for the first time, and delved into a world other than our own.

I have recently had a conversation with someone regarding their child.  They have deliberately not put their son in football, even though he is enamored with it.  Because they are afraid that he will not be on a winning team or that he will not be successful in his pursuit of this beloved game.

Are you kidding me? I wonder if Thomas Edison’s parents had that same outlook. Or Abraham Lincoln.  What about Ben Franklin or Helen Keller? What kind of place would our world be, with out the influences of these great people. What if they had been taught that you can’t try, because you might just fail.

If you don’t learn as a kid to deal with disappointments and heartache how can you function as an adult? Never taking score at a soccer game because there will be a distinct winner and a loser? Not putting your kid in a sport, because they might experience difficulties?

Seriously. WHAT kind of society are we living in? This idea that everyone deserves a trophy or an  award for doing nothing is the very same concept our country just elected a President, who will take every-one’s money and spread it where he sees fit.

What is that? Seriously. Well, it is called socialism, but it is not a concept I can buy into.

Why I respect everyone’s right to vote, while I respect this person to raise their child in the manner which they see fit, I am just blinded by the thought of it.

So hold your kids out of football.  Don’t give them the chance to learn the natural experiences of failing as well as doing something well and being rewarded for it.  Go, ahead, vote for a President who is all for bigger government, is anti gun, pro abortion and who has no experience whats so ever.

And then, watch out folks.. because the ramifications of these actions will cripple our understanding, that hard work and effort pays off.